Stepping stone...

There was I time I could smile a genuine smile and all the bad in the world would seem obsolete.

There was a time where a simple smile could right all wrongs. But then that was in a time when black was black and white was white, with no grey areas inbetween. A time where there was a clear definition between right and wrong. That was a long time ago when I was still so naive and whole, now I feel so conflicted so torn. How is it that I am the most content and happiest that I have ever been in my life and at the same time I feel so depleted and tired and just worn out. I am so tired of trying, of being the only one that keeps on pushing and trying. While the world is crying I keep on smiling and comforting. Everyday I wake up and my soul is crying out, my whole being shrinks down trying to find a hole any hole to disapear into until I could become whole again. Yet I pull myself up, I get up and I push on... I put a smile on my weary face and you would never geuss how thin I am really stretched. I go out in the world, and I listen to the cries and I take those blows of frustration. I am all in, heart, mind,body and soul. Willingly being trampled upon to try and right this crooked world. I smile a genuine smile, breaking myself into tiny little pieces. I am so tired yet so composed. Knowing that in the end all I am and ever been in this world, is a stepping stone.

Silent heart beating...

I have a silent heart beating.
It keeps pounding and screaming yet it remains nothing but a silent heart beating.
I have a silent heart beating.
Caged in this trampled body, bruised and hurt it wants to scream and cry but a silent heart beating it will remain.

Gone

 I remember coming to your house and running around, in wide spaces, 

I remember days spend making things with you, having fun but learning and growing at the same time.

I remember the soft stroke of your hands on my back through my hair as you calmed me, comforted me...

I remember so many good times, but little did I know of the time that was slipping by ..

Little did I know...

As I learned and laughed time became less, and more precious, I wish I knew... Could I have stopped it then, would you still be gone... 

Your hands grew more fragile your stokes gentlier with the passing of time... But I didn't notice, I didn't notice till it was too late, till you were gone...

And I miss you each and every one of you, you are my past but not my future, and I miss you in my present... 

I wish you were here to see who I grew up to be, I wish I could talk to you but I can't... I miss you.. I really wish you weren't just gone!!!

Dont give up, just take a break...

Dear ....

It is funny how we always seem to get sooo fed up with the ordinary little things in life, like our homes and environment, friends and family. Yet should you take away those things you realize just how special they really are to you, and that you actually miss them or it.

I often find that though it be good to take a break from the constant buzz of life all around  you, it is always good to get back in and live it. Sometimes when things get hard or difficult we do need to take a little bit of a break, take a step back and take a breath, so that we can get  a new and fresh perspective on what we are all about.

I don't mean to try and know all the answers in life but I must say that  during a time of confinement, I would feel lonely, maybe a little bit lost. But I always come out the other side feeling refreshed and
life feels worth living again.

Recently I took a trip to Pretoria to visit my dad. It really was soooo refreshing getting away from everyday life. Seeing people I love but haven't seen for a while. Making memories...
It also gave me a chance to miss those I see every day, and though I missed them some what fierce...
I was also glad to get away abit and just reflect on what is happening in my life on the moment and what I want do about it...

I'm back home now, and feeling good. was nice to be away but it's also nice to be home.
Basically if you feel like its all over and you just wanna lay down and die... don't. all you need is to take a step back heck take the day of and just go walk in a garden, don't think of your problems instead reflect on the good things that's happened to you. look around and search for as many things as you can find that is pretty or just intresting to you. You are just as pretty or intresting as that thing.

Some time we need a tempory break from our circumstances, just remember to come back into them and deal with them, don't ever give up hope. Your circumstances aint worth it.

Hi Readers,

My Apologies for not writing for such along time. So much has happened in the mean time.

So where to begin... firstly I think I should mention I decided to write it like a diary/dairy(mmm:/)
I came back from zambia, and now I'm home sweet home... I wanted to go back but I cant leave my heart behind. lol. For home is where your heart is and mine is with Jason. My one and only.

Sadly my heart also got broken this year as i had to say goodbye to a dear friend and much beloved pet.

                                                                      Brakkie

 

I really miss her though!!!

Africa, God speaks to Africa as a child...

Africa,        

Last night you were in my dreams

Innocent, humble, dirty, hungry, hurting
You laid on the side of a worn out track,
You fragile little child, thrown aside like a ragged doll.

Abandoned you lay in the dust, lips cracked open by the sun,
streaks of dried up tears, tell tales of forgotten hope. Your eyes
deeply sunken in your beautiful little face - portray your broken
weary trust.

I reached out to you and you seemed to shrink as you cowered away.
You hissed at my touch... Yet gently oh so gently I lifted you up, laid
you in my lap.
I cleaned and dressed your oozing wounds, I cried for you then,
as I whispered comfort almost too softly to hear into your oh
so tiny ear... I gave you water and wiped your tears...

I dreamt of feeding you, healing you, protecting you.
I dreamt of adopting you as my own, for you are my own...
I dreamt of teaching you, guarding you, never leaving you.

Africa today I dream for you...
I dream a dream
To prosper you and not to harm you..
I dream for all your dreams to come true...

As you find yourself in Me and My everlasting LOVE and TRUTH...

from your loving: Abba Father

Life, fears and dealing with it...

Hey there!
So every once in a while someone finds out about something that terrifies you, or you find out that your friend is afraid of something like clowns or ants, even thunder and then you mock that person or that someone mocks you about it... Or tells you to grow up, but it is easier said than done...

A very wise woman (my lovely mother) once told me that usually that which irritates you most in someone else is usually something you detest in yourself, and that it is kind of like a mirror reflecting back to you... So careful next time you get annoyed at someone, for you might just be annoyed with yourself.

Anyway what is fears, fear is a stressful feeling that puts pressure on a person or animal and is commonly related to anxiety, it is usually connected to an incident in your past, and depending on how traumatic that incident or experience is could depend on wether it be called a phobia, just little fear or anxiety...

For example I hate thunder and lightning because when I was little my grandfather use to get us all worked up about it, also loud noises and flashing lights make me feel threatened and alone, see that is a fear but not really a good example,

Anna got stuck in an elevator during a power cut, it was dark and cold in the elevator and Anna was all alone... Suddenly Anna felt like she was suffocating and she felt cold with fear, she was having an anxiety attack. You see Anna was kidnapped when she was small on a dark stormy night, and left in a cellar alone for quite sometime... this triggered the anxiety attack when she was older and has planted a seed of fear in her heart...

Fear could also be shown in the form of respect, as we fear God. Someone once told me God speaks with a voice like thunder, and I replied that I would run away if He spoke to me like that, but come to think of it, I also respect God greatly to command such awesome power... to command lightning and thunder!!!

I used to be afraid of alot of things, blood, spiders,bees, thunder,pain and dark confined spaces... and yeah sure i still get abit shaky sometimes when I'm in a such a position to experience the above mentioned things, but I've learnt that yeah it's scary but if I don't learn to accept it in my life... Then how could I ever lead a normal life, I'd be to scared to go anywhere never mind stay alone on my own....

I must say, knowing in my heart there is a God who controls everything and Who is in total command of my life and everything I fear, I find myself in so much awe of Him that when I fix my eyes on Him and just focus on Him then I feel at peace and safe...

I believe in Jesus Christ my Saviour, I acknowedge that He is the Son of God and that He died and rose again, I accept His gift of life and I will forever be in awe of His mighty Name...

Night night, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite...

I actually have no idea what to write, I don't actually think I'm a writer, never mind a good one... but I'll let you be the judge of that...

My whole life I've kind of wandered around with feelings I can't explain, but of-course I'll try...
It has always seemed like I'm just floating about, seeing and hearing things as if it is al immagination, for some reason I feel abit detached from this world and like I see no real purpose in life it self, I really don't understand things and how anyone could really know what or whom is right or wrong.

 What makes one feel lonely in a crowd and what makes the world go round, I love being here in zambia but I must say I really miss home, where is home though, I don't feel like I belong any where anymore. I wish I knew all the answers to all the questions in life, but I don't...

I can't say what I want for what if its all just unreal, ever felt like the past was just a dream? Well sometimes things just seem so unreal like I'm not me, sometimes my own actions seem so far away so de-tached from me, sometimes it feels like my thoughts are not my own , I know it's weird and you think I'm crazy...

Well maybe I'm just tired and babbeling on about things that doesn't really make sense...

O well good night, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite...

I just wanna be...

Sometimes I feel like my only purpose in life is to be  a piece of God's ultimate peace in the lifes of the people surounding me... to be something they could hold onto when the chaos of their lifes turns them from what they belief in. To be a beacon of light that points them back to their faith when the world becomes a dark and lonely place...

Some days when you are so troubled by the coming and goings of the world and you are destracted by the obstacles of tomorrow, I will not add more worries or troubles. No! I will be still, and let you know He is God, and I will be peaceful so that you will be surrounded by the peace He has given me...

When storms rage and the earth quakes I will not fear for He is near, he has been here since the beginning and He will still be here in the end. I will not let my trust in Him be shaken , for He is greater than that which I fear.

He has provided for me over and over, I shall not be anxious or afraid becuase I know He is always near, always here...

So when the world look at me, let them look and see, see His love, see His peace...

Seeing you, being with you, loving you

Sitting in the lounge, I watch your every move and I am alert to every sound you make.
Never knew what it's like to have a father and be loved in your way... now I'm so happy, you are always around, and I just love being with you...
From the silence a mighty roar rises, the earth shakes and you look on in alarm as happiness burst from my lips. You ask me why I laugh and I only shake my head and say, I'm only laughing because I'm so happy loving you.

It's so different, not the same as the love for a lover, a mother, a brother or a sister. A love so deep and secure it shakes your roots.
When I leave your side my world is tilted, and tears burn my eyes... and my only comfort is the knowledge that we will be together again sometime time in the futher near.

So to watch you and follow you all around is calming in me, I just want to be a bit of peace in your life and I hope that I can learn all your knowldge and be able to apply it to my life...

You are apart of me, and I apart of you,
Seeing you, being with you and loving you... my life is complete...

Journey to another life- part one...

When we started out, the sun was just rising, and I had a headache from awakening. We had yoghurt for breakfast and I was wearing jeans along with my new CAT water proof jacket, (I still had to proof that proof..). Anyway as we reversed  out the drive way we waving goodbye to those we leave behind, we hit the road and start on our journey, to another world and life...

Yeah, yeah I know its just another country, but sometimes life could be so different in some places that you would think it to be the comings and goings of another world. I can't exactly say everything that happened on the first part of that journey, because I must confess, I slept right through it...

Our first stop was in Nylstroom, to get some refreshments before we headed on towards the border, and thats when I saw it the first time... there's a bug squashed on my windowscreen... the first of many to die in the progress of our journey...

                                                                                                  to be continued..... lol, this is fun! :-)

A few of my short poems

Anticipation-or not

I thought I was ready to leave the nest, that my wings knew the strokes of the wind, I thought  I knew how to dip,dive and soar,  I thought all I had to do was spread my wings and take that  step of faith,

It wasn't that easy, I would know...

I anticipated to go, but now I just want to hold on...

Life is not the same without you...

My ode to you.... dear mother...

My childhood was the days when you called me for the first time,

It is the day when your anguished screams brought me to life and we could join in one glorious cry... when tears of joy dripped from your cheek unto my bright red little face...

Those first few hours I screamed at the world, it was then when anyone else would have abandoned me when you loved me... you loved me first and held me even when your world fell apart, you have and will always be there. 

With you by my side I could never feel alone, when the darkness threatend to overtake me, you brouht the light into my world, you taught me your values and believes, you introduced me to my best friend and Heavenly Father...

You stood by me through the trails and hardships of life, you taught me how to take care of myself.You taught me to be gracefull and ever gratefull...  you dried my tears and caught me when I fell.

You tought me how to be brave, and how to laugh even if your world is falling down...You are my rolemodel and I'm forever indebted to you... 

This is my ode to you.... dearest mother...

Fear... worth it or not

You know, over the last year and few days... I believe that I've come to discover the true feeling of fear. It really isn't pleasant at all.

First your heart beats little faster like when your see that cute guy or girl for the first time, then it starts to race faster like as if you've run the marathon... boom...boom...boombooombooom... faster and faster, then it feels like some iron hand has clasped it grip unto it... then your stomach muscles starts to tighten and your bowls loosen, your breath becomes rasping and your nerves starts to shake then you feel like your on the verge of a break down and like you are going to pass out.....

that my fiend is fear.... except the feeltng is worse than any of these words could ever describe... 

Fear is what I felt at the beginning of my matric year,it was my companion when I wrote my matric, and trails... it is still here when lightning strikes or thunder roars, but I would be a fool to let it run my life...

For then I'll be quaesy for ever, I cannot change that which has happened in the past, instead I should be working on improving the future...

I am worried sick about my results, but I should not fear it...

A wise woman once told me that: 'that which you fear most usually come to past, so it's best not to fear at all, then no evil can ever do you harm.'

Knowing is just to know...

The feeling of working hard, preparing yourself for the impossible.
To know that you can't possibily give more... To know you gave your best,
you gave your life and you poured all that you have, all that you are into that little thing...

And then comes the time, then comes the test and you can't breath. You can't give because you have poured it all out, you gave all you had and Now!!!! Now there is nothing left. nothing except this hollow feeling inside.

And it leaves you devastated and you can't even cry, it makes you sick... Then there is the knowing...
The knowing that you've failed, the knowing like a mother-to-be who knows the time has come to PUSH! To let go...

The knowing that the moment has past and you can never do it all over again... and that you can never recover that which is lost...

and the knowing that the time has come to move on ahead...

I want to be free and fly...

Today is going by so very slow, and the air seems heavy and tense. the sky is cloudy and it looks like it's going to rain. I wish it will rain, so that a rainbow of hope can appear, a rainbow the beacon of God's promise that everything is going to be allright.

Sometimes when we go to bed at night, I can't help but wonder if the sun will rise tomorrow. then I sing my little song: ' go to sleep my little bird, for the night is dark and cold,
                 but tomorrrow the sun will shine, tomorrow in the morning,
                 we will wake to the smiling face of of a dawning day and we will fly...
                 we will high in the sky we will soar on the wings of  His love, and His Spirit will
                 carry us high above.
  
                 Tomorrow the sun will shine, tomorrow the sun will shine...
                  Lord give us the strenght to go on, Let us rest in your peace and love...
                 Give the knowledge that everything will be okay and that tomorrow the sun will shine...'


I not really a heavy type of person but I can't help to sometimes sit and top about little things...
I don't want to be rich someday, neither do I wish to be well know, but  I want to be free and 'fly'.
I want to become like an eagle carefree and happy to live everyday as my last day happy and free...

Can the light at the end of the tunnel go two ways?

Feeling the urge to write and sitting without a prescribed topic could be agony. Or so I concluded on this mid-spring evening while sitting at my mom's work. When out of the blue it suddenly hit me that the light at the end of the tunnel might go two ways, and i was struck down with the dilemma of whether there is a possibility for the light to be on the wrong side of the tunnel or not...


'There is always a light at the end of the tunnel...' what a phrase! it is commonly used all over and used to console, inspire, motivate or even just to state the obvious facts.

Funny that with the teachers strike and all the upheaval in the country people seem to find confidence and reassurance in that exact phrase, a few simple words and we feel that everything is going to be just fine, and we feel at peace, confident and happy. We feel that we can relax!

This made me wonder about a lot of things, the power of words, for instance let's look at some of the words in the phrase: ‘There is always a light at the end of the tunnel...' The phrase plays wonderfully with the concepts of the two contrast of dark and light.

Where light always represent Hope, Peace, Purity, Relieve, Joy, Happiness and everything that is good. It represents God or the Presence of God. It is the absence of all that is bad or evil. Where darkness on the other hand is the exact opposite, it gets to be associated with fear, stress, coldness, loneliness and with the everlasting enemy of all God fearing people, satan.



But is that quit true in our lives today, in the 21st century does that phrase still applies to humanity. This brings me to question the phrase a little, for instance I would like to know what colour is that 'light' at the end of the tunnel, because see in this century different colours of lights have different meanings and therefore it changes the whole purpose of the phrase, okay I'll give you some examples of different lights that could have different meanings. Let’s look at the different colour lights we get in today's day and age...



I'll start with Red, red is the light at shines out of a square vehicle rushing someone to a hospital, a promise of hope, a promise that you might just be saved to live another year or two, or maybe they can't save you and then just before you blow out your last breath your life flashes before your eyes and you remember another time when you saw a red light. That time you visited the 'adult world' with its neon light flickering on and off, on and off, on and off... giving you a false sense of confidence or hope, that someone will in some way be interested in you and become the person to make you whole. But of course you then just came out of there with less self-confidence, guilt and disgust and you are even more broken than you were before...

Blue, blue is a colour associated with coldness and death, blue is a warning colour, when someone become blue in the face you act fast to save or relieve that person, it is the colour for the warning light of our ever present and faithful police force (who are sometimes not on time but hey! they are also only human) A blue light is the sign that help is on the way, but if that light is too constant in one place, people also seem to find a sense of security in it, and in its absence it is a colour that is sorely missed.

Then you get all other kinds of lights, the flickering type that change to all the colours of the rainbow every two or three seconds, yep. The ones that is sure to give the calmer people of this earth a headache, specially baptised by the party lovers as the 'Disco lights’.

Then you get your entertainment lights the greens, purples, yellows, oranges, pinks and all the neon colours. Yes, I guess we can say that in this dark world of ours we do seem to have a colourful display. Which some would describe beautiful and enchanting, while others call it deceiving and false hope. Who can blame them for having a deeper insight? I just hope that with that insight they do have something/ someone else to enlighten their hearts and souls from the dramatic, dreadful, depressing darkness of this world.

Any way there is just some thoughts for you to chew up and enjoy (you may spit it out if it's to thick or much for to swallow.) Now let's get back to the phrase a second, you could understand now that I for one would not really want just any type or colour of light to shine or beacon at the end of my tunnel...

But then some of you would say that it is better to have a light at the end of the tunnel in comparison to the utterly despair that you would feel when there is no light insight what so ever! For what would you focus your eyes, heart and mind upon if there is not a glimmer of hope or a shimmer of light in sight?

Well you know there is always another option, like they say you always have a choice even if you 'choose' not to have a choice it is still a choice you make. Now let's see, if you cannot go ahead then surely you must go back and find another path, road or tunnel, whichever you may choose. You could also choose to sit in the dark and feel sorry for yourself, but I for one would not advice you to do so. Let's see, what if there is a possibility that the light is shining at the wrong end of the tunnel? Now you would all say that 'Surely it can't be so', well that would be your opinion and you are entirely entitled to your own opinion.

Though I would choose to say that it is entirely possible, whether you are one of those who is always looking into the past for answers...'I'm learning from my mistakes'... or you just can't seem to face the future, or you are totally lost and disillusioned, it doesn't matter, you would then have your light at the end of your tunnel on the wrong side of the tunnel as you won't know that the darkness is the actual wrong side of the/your tunnel.



I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but I think maybe it will be safe to say that for me, this 'light at the end of your tunnel' phrase(nonsense) does not work. For me it would help to have a light by my side or in me or in my hand when I'm moving through the tunnel, so that when I am walking along this dark passage way or tunnel, I would not bump a toe or stumble and fall. That way the light will never be at the wrong side of the tunnel and even if it is there is no way that that I could be miserable in darkness, or feel anxious because i can't find my 'light at the end of the tunnel'.



And therefore I for one choose to be on the safe side and let my light shine in the darkness, by choosing to have His Spirit guide me, and be my light in the dark recesses of my life and in the depressing darkness of my life (tunnel).



So with that said I conclude that it is the choice you make that is going to determine whether you see the 'light at the end of your tunnel' or whether you vision will be clouded by false hope and despair.



This I leave now with you...