Seeing you, being with you, loving you

Sitting in the lounge, I watch your every move and I am alert to every sound you make.
Never knew what it's like to have a father and be loved in your way... now I'm so happy, you are always around, and I just love being with you...
From the silence a mighty roar rises, the earth shakes and you look on in alarm as happiness burst from my lips. You ask me why I laugh and I only shake my head and say, I'm only laughing because I'm so happy loving you.

It's so different, not the same as the love for a lover, a mother, a brother or a sister. A love so deep and secure it shakes your roots.
When I leave your side my world is tilted, and tears burn my eyes... and my only comfort is the knowledge that we will be together again sometime time in the futher near.

So to watch you and follow you all around is calming in me, I just want to be a bit of peace in your life and I hope that I can learn all your knowldge and be able to apply it to my life...

You are apart of me, and I apart of you,
Seeing you, being with you and loving you... my life is complete...

Journey to another life- part one...

When we started out, the sun was just rising, and I had a headache from awakening. We had yoghurt for breakfast and I was wearing jeans along with my new CAT water proof jacket, (I still had to proof that proof..). Anyway as we reversed  out the drive way we waving goodbye to those we leave behind, we hit the road and start on our journey, to another world and life...

Yeah, yeah I know its just another country, but sometimes life could be so different in some places that you would think it to be the comings and goings of another world. I can't exactly say everything that happened on the first part of that journey, because I must confess, I slept right through it...

Our first stop was in Nylstroom, to get some refreshments before we headed on towards the border, and thats when I saw it the first time... there's a bug squashed on my windowscreen... the first of many to die in the progress of our journey...

                                                                                                  to be continued..... lol, this is fun! :-)

A few of my short poems

Anticipation-or not

I thought I was ready to leave the nest, that my wings knew the strokes of the wind, I thought  I knew how to dip,dive and soar,  I thought all I had to do was spread my wings and take that  step of faith,

It wasn't that easy, I would know...

I anticipated to go, but now I just want to hold on...

Life is not the same without you...

My ode to you.... dear mother...

My childhood was the days when you called me for the first time,

It is the day when your anguished screams brought me to life and we could join in one glorious cry... when tears of joy dripped from your cheek unto my bright red little face...

Those first few hours I screamed at the world, it was then when anyone else would have abandoned me when you loved me... you loved me first and held me even when your world fell apart, you have and will always be there. 

With you by my side I could never feel alone, when the darkness threatend to overtake me, you brouht the light into my world, you taught me your values and believes, you introduced me to my best friend and Heavenly Father...

You stood by me through the trails and hardships of life, you taught me how to take care of myself.You taught me to be gracefull and ever gratefull...  you dried my tears and caught me when I fell.

You tought me how to be brave, and how to laugh even if your world is falling down...You are my rolemodel and I'm forever indebted to you... 

This is my ode to you.... dearest mother...

Fear... worth it or not

You know, over the last year and few days... I believe that I've come to discover the true feeling of fear. It really isn't pleasant at all.

First your heart beats little faster like when your see that cute guy or girl for the first time, then it starts to race faster like as if you've run the marathon... boom...boom...boombooombooom... faster and faster, then it feels like some iron hand has clasped it grip unto it... then your stomach muscles starts to tighten and your bowls loosen, your breath becomes rasping and your nerves starts to shake then you feel like your on the verge of a break down and like you are going to pass out.....

that my fiend is fear.... except the feeltng is worse than any of these words could ever describe... 

Fear is what I felt at the beginning of my matric year,it was my companion when I wrote my matric, and trails... it is still here when lightning strikes or thunder roars, but I would be a fool to let it run my life...

For then I'll be quaesy for ever, I cannot change that which has happened in the past, instead I should be working on improving the future...

I am worried sick about my results, but I should not fear it...

A wise woman once told me that: 'that which you fear most usually come to past, so it's best not to fear at all, then no evil can ever do you harm.'

Knowing is just to know...

The feeling of working hard, preparing yourself for the impossible.
To know that you can't possibily give more... To know you gave your best,
you gave your life and you poured all that you have, all that you are into that little thing...

And then comes the time, then comes the test and you can't breath. You can't give because you have poured it all out, you gave all you had and Now!!!! Now there is nothing left. nothing except this hollow feeling inside.

And it leaves you devastated and you can't even cry, it makes you sick... Then there is the knowing...
The knowing that you've failed, the knowing like a mother-to-be who knows the time has come to PUSH! To let go...

The knowing that the moment has past and you can never do it all over again... and that you can never recover that which is lost...

and the knowing that the time has come to move on ahead...

I want to be free and fly...

Today is going by so very slow, and the air seems heavy and tense. the sky is cloudy and it looks like it's going to rain. I wish it will rain, so that a rainbow of hope can appear, a rainbow the beacon of God's promise that everything is going to be allright.

Sometimes when we go to bed at night, I can't help but wonder if the sun will rise tomorrow. then I sing my little song: ' go to sleep my little bird, for the night is dark and cold,
                 but tomorrrow the sun will shine, tomorrow in the morning,
                 we will wake to the smiling face of of a dawning day and we will fly...
                 we will high in the sky we will soar on the wings of  His love, and His Spirit will
                 carry us high above.
  
                 Tomorrow the sun will shine, tomorrow the sun will shine...
                  Lord give us the strenght to go on, Let us rest in your peace and love...
                 Give the knowledge that everything will be okay and that tomorrow the sun will shine...'


I not really a heavy type of person but I can't help to sometimes sit and top about little things...
I don't want to be rich someday, neither do I wish to be well know, but  I want to be free and 'fly'.
I want to become like an eagle carefree and happy to live everyday as my last day happy and free...

Can the light at the end of the tunnel go two ways?

Feeling the urge to write and sitting without a prescribed topic could be agony. Or so I concluded on this mid-spring evening while sitting at my mom's work. When out of the blue it suddenly hit me that the light at the end of the tunnel might go two ways, and i was struck down with the dilemma of whether there is a possibility for the light to be on the wrong side of the tunnel or not...


'There is always a light at the end of the tunnel...' what a phrase! it is commonly used all over and used to console, inspire, motivate or even just to state the obvious facts.

Funny that with the teachers strike and all the upheaval in the country people seem to find confidence and reassurance in that exact phrase, a few simple words and we feel that everything is going to be just fine, and we feel at peace, confident and happy. We feel that we can relax!

This made me wonder about a lot of things, the power of words, for instance let's look at some of the words in the phrase: ‘There is always a light at the end of the tunnel...' The phrase plays wonderfully with the concepts of the two contrast of dark and light.

Where light always represent Hope, Peace, Purity, Relieve, Joy, Happiness and everything that is good. It represents God or the Presence of God. It is the absence of all that is bad or evil. Where darkness on the other hand is the exact opposite, it gets to be associated with fear, stress, coldness, loneliness and with the everlasting enemy of all God fearing people, satan.



But is that quit true in our lives today, in the 21st century does that phrase still applies to humanity. This brings me to question the phrase a little, for instance I would like to know what colour is that 'light' at the end of the tunnel, because see in this century different colours of lights have different meanings and therefore it changes the whole purpose of the phrase, okay I'll give you some examples of different lights that could have different meanings. Let’s look at the different colour lights we get in today's day and age...



I'll start with Red, red is the light at shines out of a square vehicle rushing someone to a hospital, a promise of hope, a promise that you might just be saved to live another year or two, or maybe they can't save you and then just before you blow out your last breath your life flashes before your eyes and you remember another time when you saw a red light. That time you visited the 'adult world' with its neon light flickering on and off, on and off, on and off... giving you a false sense of confidence or hope, that someone will in some way be interested in you and become the person to make you whole. But of course you then just came out of there with less self-confidence, guilt and disgust and you are even more broken than you were before...

Blue, blue is a colour associated with coldness and death, blue is a warning colour, when someone become blue in the face you act fast to save or relieve that person, it is the colour for the warning light of our ever present and faithful police force (who are sometimes not on time but hey! they are also only human) A blue light is the sign that help is on the way, but if that light is too constant in one place, people also seem to find a sense of security in it, and in its absence it is a colour that is sorely missed.

Then you get all other kinds of lights, the flickering type that change to all the colours of the rainbow every two or three seconds, yep. The ones that is sure to give the calmer people of this earth a headache, specially baptised by the party lovers as the 'Disco lights’.

Then you get your entertainment lights the greens, purples, yellows, oranges, pinks and all the neon colours. Yes, I guess we can say that in this dark world of ours we do seem to have a colourful display. Which some would describe beautiful and enchanting, while others call it deceiving and false hope. Who can blame them for having a deeper insight? I just hope that with that insight they do have something/ someone else to enlighten their hearts and souls from the dramatic, dreadful, depressing darkness of this world.

Any way there is just some thoughts for you to chew up and enjoy (you may spit it out if it's to thick or much for to swallow.) Now let's get back to the phrase a second, you could understand now that I for one would not really want just any type or colour of light to shine or beacon at the end of my tunnel...

But then some of you would say that it is better to have a light at the end of the tunnel in comparison to the utterly despair that you would feel when there is no light insight what so ever! For what would you focus your eyes, heart and mind upon if there is not a glimmer of hope or a shimmer of light in sight?

Well you know there is always another option, like they say you always have a choice even if you 'choose' not to have a choice it is still a choice you make. Now let's see, if you cannot go ahead then surely you must go back and find another path, road or tunnel, whichever you may choose. You could also choose to sit in the dark and feel sorry for yourself, but I for one would not advice you to do so. Let's see, what if there is a possibility that the light is shining at the wrong end of the tunnel? Now you would all say that 'Surely it can't be so', well that would be your opinion and you are entirely entitled to your own opinion.

Though I would choose to say that it is entirely possible, whether you are one of those who is always looking into the past for answers...'I'm learning from my mistakes'... or you just can't seem to face the future, or you are totally lost and disillusioned, it doesn't matter, you would then have your light at the end of your tunnel on the wrong side of the tunnel as you won't know that the darkness is the actual wrong side of the/your tunnel.



I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but I think maybe it will be safe to say that for me, this 'light at the end of your tunnel' phrase(nonsense) does not work. For me it would help to have a light by my side or in me or in my hand when I'm moving through the tunnel, so that when I am walking along this dark passage way or tunnel, I would not bump a toe or stumble and fall. That way the light will never be at the wrong side of the tunnel and even if it is there is no way that that I could be miserable in darkness, or feel anxious because i can't find my 'light at the end of the tunnel'.



And therefore I for one choose to be on the safe side and let my light shine in the darkness, by choosing to have His Spirit guide me, and be my light in the dark recesses of my life and in the depressing darkness of my life (tunnel).



So with that said I conclude that it is the choice you make that is going to determine whether you see the 'light at the end of your tunnel' or whether you vision will be clouded by false hope and despair.



This I leave now with you...