Stepping stone...

There was I time I could smile a genuine smile and all the bad in the world would seem obsolete.

There was a time where a simple smile could right all wrongs. But then that was in a time when black was black and white was white, with no grey areas inbetween. A time where there was a clear definition between right and wrong. That was a long time ago when I was still so naive and whole, now I feel so conflicted so torn. How is it that I am the most content and happiest that I have ever been in my life and at the same time I feel so depleted and tired and just worn out. I am so tired of trying, of being the only one that keeps on pushing and trying. While the world is crying I keep on smiling and comforting. Everyday I wake up and my soul is crying out, my whole being shrinks down trying to find a hole any hole to disapear into until I could become whole again. Yet I pull myself up, I get up and I push on... I put a smile on my weary face and you would never geuss how thin I am really stretched. I go out in the world, and I listen to the cries and I take those blows of frustration. I am all in, heart, mind,body and soul. Willingly being trampled upon to try and right this crooked world. I smile a genuine smile, breaking myself into tiny little pieces. I am so tired yet so composed. Knowing that in the end all I am and ever been in this world, is a stepping stone.

Silent heart beating...

I have a silent heart beating.
It keeps pounding and screaming yet it remains nothing but a silent heart beating.
I have a silent heart beating.
Caged in this trampled body, bruised and hurt it wants to scream and cry but a silent heart beating it will remain.

Gone

 I remember coming to your house and running around, in wide spaces, 

I remember days spend making things with you, having fun but learning and growing at the same time.

I remember the soft stroke of your hands on my back through my hair as you calmed me, comforted me...

I remember so many good times, but little did I know of the time that was slipping by ..

Little did I know...

As I learned and laughed time became less, and more precious, I wish I knew... Could I have stopped it then, would you still be gone... 

Your hands grew more fragile your stokes gentlier with the passing of time... But I didn't notice, I didn't notice till it was too late, till you were gone...

And I miss you each and every one of you, you are my past but not my future, and I miss you in my present... 

I wish you were here to see who I grew up to be, I wish I could talk to you but I can't... I miss you.. I really wish you weren't just gone!!!

Dont give up, just take a break...

Dear ....

It is funny how we always seem to get sooo fed up with the ordinary little things in life, like our homes and environment, friends and family. Yet should you take away those things you realize just how special they really are to you, and that you actually miss them or it.

I often find that though it be good to take a break from the constant buzz of life all around  you, it is always good to get back in and live it. Sometimes when things get hard or difficult we do need to take a little bit of a break, take a step back and take a breath, so that we can get  a new and fresh perspective on what we are all about.

I don't mean to try and know all the answers in life but I must say that  during a time of confinement, I would feel lonely, maybe a little bit lost. But I always come out the other side feeling refreshed and
life feels worth living again.

Recently I took a trip to Pretoria to visit my dad. It really was soooo refreshing getting away from everyday life. Seeing people I love but haven't seen for a while. Making memories...
It also gave me a chance to miss those I see every day, and though I missed them some what fierce...
I was also glad to get away abit and just reflect on what is happening in my life on the moment and what I want do about it...

I'm back home now, and feeling good. was nice to be away but it's also nice to be home.
Basically if you feel like its all over and you just wanna lay down and die... don't. all you need is to take a step back heck take the day of and just go walk in a garden, don't think of your problems instead reflect on the good things that's happened to you. look around and search for as many things as you can find that is pretty or just intresting to you. You are just as pretty or intresting as that thing.

Some time we need a tempory break from our circumstances, just remember to come back into them and deal with them, don't ever give up hope. Your circumstances aint worth it.

Hi Readers,

My Apologies for not writing for such along time. So much has happened in the mean time.

So where to begin... firstly I think I should mention I decided to write it like a diary/dairy(mmm:/)
I came back from zambia, and now I'm home sweet home... I wanted to go back but I cant leave my heart behind. lol. For home is where your heart is and mine is with Jason. My one and only.

Sadly my heart also got broken this year as i had to say goodbye to a dear friend and much beloved pet.

                                                                      Brakkie

 

I really miss her though!!!

Africa, God speaks to Africa as a child...

Africa,        

Last night you were in my dreams

Innocent, humble, dirty, hungry, hurting
You laid on the side of a worn out track,
You fragile little child, thrown aside like a ragged doll.

Abandoned you lay in the dust, lips cracked open by the sun,
streaks of dried up tears, tell tales of forgotten hope. Your eyes
deeply sunken in your beautiful little face - portray your broken
weary trust.

I reached out to you and you seemed to shrink as you cowered away.
You hissed at my touch... Yet gently oh so gently I lifted you up, laid
you in my lap.
I cleaned and dressed your oozing wounds, I cried for you then,
as I whispered comfort almost too softly to hear into your oh
so tiny ear... I gave you water and wiped your tears...

I dreamt of feeding you, healing you, protecting you.
I dreamt of adopting you as my own, for you are my own...
I dreamt of teaching you, guarding you, never leaving you.

Africa today I dream for you...
I dream a dream
To prosper you and not to harm you..
I dream for all your dreams to come true...

As you find yourself in Me and My everlasting LOVE and TRUTH...

from your loving: Abba Father

Life, fears and dealing with it...

Hey there!
So every once in a while someone finds out about something that terrifies you, or you find out that your friend is afraid of something like clowns or ants, even thunder and then you mock that person or that someone mocks you about it... Or tells you to grow up, but it is easier said than done...

A very wise woman (my lovely mother) once told me that usually that which irritates you most in someone else is usually something you detest in yourself, and that it is kind of like a mirror reflecting back to you... So careful next time you get annoyed at someone, for you might just be annoyed with yourself.

Anyway what is fears, fear is a stressful feeling that puts pressure on a person or animal and is commonly related to anxiety, it is usually connected to an incident in your past, and depending on how traumatic that incident or experience is could depend on wether it be called a phobia, just little fear or anxiety...

For example I hate thunder and lightning because when I was little my grandfather use to get us all worked up about it, also loud noises and flashing lights make me feel threatened and alone, see that is a fear but not really a good example,

Anna got stuck in an elevator during a power cut, it was dark and cold in the elevator and Anna was all alone... Suddenly Anna felt like she was suffocating and she felt cold with fear, she was having an anxiety attack. You see Anna was kidnapped when she was small on a dark stormy night, and left in a cellar alone for quite sometime... this triggered the anxiety attack when she was older and has planted a seed of fear in her heart...

Fear could also be shown in the form of respect, as we fear God. Someone once told me God speaks with a voice like thunder, and I replied that I would run away if He spoke to me like that, but come to think of it, I also respect God greatly to command such awesome power... to command lightning and thunder!!!

I used to be afraid of alot of things, blood, spiders,bees, thunder,pain and dark confined spaces... and yeah sure i still get abit shaky sometimes when I'm in a such a position to experience the above mentioned things, but I've learnt that yeah it's scary but if I don't learn to accept it in my life... Then how could I ever lead a normal life, I'd be to scared to go anywhere never mind stay alone on my own....

I must say, knowing in my heart there is a God who controls everything and Who is in total command of my life and everything I fear, I find myself in so much awe of Him that when I fix my eyes on Him and just focus on Him then I feel at peace and safe...

I believe in Jesus Christ my Saviour, I acknowedge that He is the Son of God and that He died and rose again, I accept His gift of life and I will forever be in awe of His mighty Name...