Thursday, July 28, 2011

Life, fears and dealing with it...

Hey there!
So every once in a while someone finds out about something that terrifies you, or you find out that your friend is afraid of something like clowns or ants, even thunder and then you mock that person or that someone mocks you about it... Or tells you to grow up, but it is easier said than done...

A very wise woman (my lovely mother) once told me that usually that which irritates you most in someone else is usually something you detest in yourself, and that it is kind of like a mirror reflecting back to you... So careful next time you get annoyed at someone, for you might just be annoyed with yourself.

Anyway what is fears, fear is a stressful feeling that puts pressure on a person or animal and is commonly related to anxiety, it is usually connected to an incident in your past, and depending on how traumatic that incident or experience is could depend on wether it be called a phobia, just little fear or anxiety...

For example I hate thunder and lightning because when I was little my grandfather use to get us all worked up about it, also loud noises and flashing lights make me feel threatened and alone, see that is a fear but not really a good example,

Anna got stuck in an elevator during a power cut, it was dark and cold in the elevator and Anna was all alone... Suddenly Anna felt like she was suffocating and she felt cold with fear, she was having an anxiety attack. You see Anna was kidnapped when she was small on a dark stormy night, and left in a cellar alone for quite sometime... this triggered the anxiety attack when she was older and has planted a seed of fear in her heart...

Fear could also be shown in the form of respect, as we fear God. Someone once told me God speaks with a voice like thunder, and I replied that I would run away if He spoke to me like that, but come to think of it, I also respect God greatly to command such awesome power... to command lightning and thunder!!!

I used to be afraid of alot of things, blood, spiders,bees, thunder,pain and dark confined spaces... and yeah sure i still get abit shaky sometimes when I'm in a such a position to experience the above mentioned things, but I've learnt that yeah it's scary but if I don't learn to accept it in my life... Then how could I ever lead a normal life, I'd be to scared to go anywhere never mind stay alone on my own....

I must say, knowing in my heart there is a God who controls everything and Who is in total command of my life and everything I fear, I find myself in so much awe of Him that when I fix my eyes on Him and just focus on Him then I feel at peace and safe...

I believe in Jesus Christ my Saviour, I acknowedge that He is the Son of God and that He died and rose again, I accept His gift of life and I will forever be in awe of His mighty Name...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Night night, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite...

I actually have no idea what to write, I don't actually think I'm a writer, never mind a good one... but I'll let you be the judge of that...

My whole life I've kind of wandered around with feelings I can't explain, but of-course I'll try...
It has always seemed like I'm just floating about, seeing and hearing things as if it is al immagination, for some reason I feel abit detached from this world and like I see no real purpose in life it self, I really don't understand things and how anyone could really know what or whom is right or wrong.

 What makes one feel lonely in a crowd and what makes the world go round, I love being here in zambia but I must say I really miss home, where is home though, I don't feel like I belong any where anymore. I wish I knew all the answers to all the questions in life, but I don't...

I can't say what I want for what if its all just unreal, ever felt like the past was just a dream? Well sometimes things just seem so unreal like I'm not me, sometimes my own actions seem so far away so de-tached from me, sometimes it feels like my thoughts are not my own , I know it's weird and you think I'm crazy...

Well maybe I'm just tired and babbeling on about things that doesn't really make sense...

O well good night, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite...

Monday, April 4, 2011

I just wanna be...

Sometimes I feel like my only purpose in life is to be  a piece of God's ultimate peace in the lifes of the people surounding me... to be something they could hold onto when the chaos of their lifes turns them from what they belief in. To be a beacon of light that points them back to their faith when the world becomes a dark and lonely place...

Some days when you are so troubled by the coming and goings of the world and you are destracted by the obstacles of tomorrow, I will not add more worries or troubles. No! I will be still, and let you know He is God, and I will be peaceful so that you will be surrounded by the peace He has given me...

When storms rage and the earth quakes I will not fear for He is near, he has been here since the beginning and He will still be here in the end. I will not let my trust in Him be shaken , for He is greater than that which I fear.

He has provided for me over and over, I shall not be anxious or afraid becuase I know He is always near, always here...

So when the world look at me, let them look and see, see His love, see His peace...

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Seeing you, being with you, loving you

Sitting in the lounge, I watch your every move and I am alert to every sound you make.
Never knew what it's like to have a father and be loved in your way... now I'm so happy, you are always around, and I just love being with you...
From the silence a mighty roar rises, the earth shakes and you look on in alarm as happiness burst from my lips. You ask me why I laugh and I only shake my head and say, I'm only laughing because I'm so happy loving you.

It's so different, not the same as the love for a lover, a mother, a brother or a sister. A love so deep and secure it shakes your roots.
When I leave your side my world is tilted, and tears burn my eyes... and my only comfort is the knowledge that we will be together again sometime time in the futher near.

So to watch you and follow you all around is calming in me, I just want to be a bit of peace in your life and I hope that I can learn all your knowldge and be able to apply it to my life...

You are apart of me, and I apart of you,
Seeing you, being with you and loving you... my life is complete...

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Journey to another life- part one...

When we started out, the sun was just rising, and I had a headache from awakening. We had yoghurt for breakfast and I was wearing jeans along with my new CAT water proof jacket, (I still had to proof that proof..). Anyway as we reversed  out the drive way we waving goodbye to those we leave behind, we hit the road and start on our journey, to another world and life...

Yeah, yeah I know its just another country, but sometimes life could be so different in some places that you would think it to be the comings and goings of another world. I can't exactly say everything that happened on the first part of that journey, because I must confess, I slept right through it...

Our first stop was in Nylstroom, to get some refreshments before we headed on towards the border, and thats when I saw it the first time... there's a bug squashed on my windowscreen... the first of many to die in the progress of our journey...

                                                                                                  to be continued..... lol, this is fun! :-)

A few of my short poems

Anticipation-or not

I thought I was ready to leave the nest, that my wings knew the strokes of the wind, I thought  I knew how to dip,dive and soar,  I thought all I had to do was spread my wings and take that  step of faith,
It wasn't that easy, I would know...
I anticipated to go, but now I just want to hold on...
Life is not the same without you...



My ode to you.... dear mother...
My childhood was the days when you called me for the first time,
It is the day when your anguished screams brought me to life and we could join in one glorious cry... when tears of joy dripped from your cheek unto my bright red little face...
Those first few hours I screamed at the world, it was then when anyone else would have abandoned me when you loved me... you loved me first and held me even when your world fell apart, you have and will always be there. 
With you by my side I could never feel alone, when the darkness threatend to overtake me, you brouht the light into my world, you taught me your values and believes, you introduced me to my best friend and Heavenly Father...
You stood by me through the trails and hardships of life, you taught me how to take care of myself.You taught me to be gracefull and ever gratefull...  you dried my tears and caught me when I fell.
You tought me how to be brave, and how to laugh even if your world is falling down...You are my rolemodel and I'm forever indebted to you... 
This is my ode to you.... dearest mother...

Fear... worth it or not

You know, over the last year and few days... I believe that I've come to discover the true feeling of fear. It really isn't pleasant at all.
First your heart beats little faster like when your see that cute guy or girl for the first time, then it starts to race faster like as if you've run the marathon... boom...boom...boombooombooom... faster and faster, then it feels like some iron hand has clasped it grip unto it... then your stomach muscles starts to tighten and your bowls loosen, your breath becomes rasping and your nerves starts to shake then you feel like your on the verge of a break down and like you are going to pass out.....
that my fiend is fear.... except the feeltng is worse than any of these words could ever describe... 
Fear is what I felt at the beginning of my matric year,it was my companion when I wrote my matric, and trails... it is still here when lightning strikes or thunder roars, but I would be a fool to let it run my life...
For then I'll be quaesy for ever, I cannot change that which has happened in the past, instead I should be working on improving the future...
I am worried sick about my results, but I should not fear it...
A wise woman once told me that: 'that which you fear most usually come to past, so it's best not to fear at all, then no evil can ever do you harm.'